About three weeks ago, I asked myself some tough questions about confinement, and endless purchasing from Amazon. Today I’ve decided to delve a little deeper into the tough questions. Why today of all days? Well, today is Easter, and the third day of Passover. And these solemn religious holidays seemed an especially appropriate to delve into my own psyche, root around, and see what surfaces.

1. What am I really grateful for?

Interesting question, and pretty timely. In my last post I mentioned I am taking an online class through Yale University on “The Science of Well-Being”. In this class, one of the homework projects was to start a daily gratitude journal. Just five simple things, on this day, you are grateful for. I say interesting because, prior to this pandemic, I think I would have been grateful for much more materialistic things; my summer home, my car, my ability to eat out whenever I want and not have to check my checkbook first. But one of the fascinating things I have found about being confined and bombarded with danger and warning all over media (mass and social) is how very basic my daily list has been since I started this exercise about 12 days ago. There is very little variation, except in the order, and seem to come down to five basic things:

• Health
• Companionship
• Having a very comfortable place to shelter and wait out this virus
• An abundance and variety of food at the ready
• The ability to connect with people on the outside

So it seems, when faced with extreme challenges, we revert to the basic human needs: Food, shelter, companionship and connection. I hope to hang onto these things, even after the pandemic is over.

2. What am I afraid of?

This is a difficult one to articulate, but again, something I have been able to think a great deal about. But I came to this understanding by first thinking about what gives me comfort. And, over and over again, I return to one thing: certainty. I like knowing and understanding things. I’m constantly seeking to learn new things, to understand certain concepts deeper. So, it stands to reason that uncertainty is what I fear most. I combat this with the act of seeking knowledge.

But what happens when you just simply can’t know? For example, one of the main reasons I never had a child (and there are soooooo many reasons – hosts of reasons) but the boiled down reason is: I didn’t know what that would feel like, would do to my body, would change my life. And so, as much as I could read and ask questions, it scared me too much. So I didn’t do it.

Like my need for knee surgery. I’ve asked countless people who have had knee replacement what it feels like, what honestly happens and what goes on afterward. But I still don’t know how it would be for me. And so I put it off.

Like this virus. I can’t see it, the world doesn’t understand it. We don’t have answers, yet. And we can’t stop it. We can cut off it’s supply of “food”, but we are uncertain. And we don’t know if we are coming in contact with it, or, indeed, if we have already come in contact, and if we have, if we will be sick, or not, or die. And so I fear it because I cannot see it, and I don’t understand it.

Like death. I admire people with faith who believe there is a heaven, or a rebirth, or a collective consciousness after, THIS. But no one has put this down as a scientific fact, or irrefutable knowledge, and everyone believes something different. And so I fear it, because I do not know.

So, what am I afraid of? Of the unknown: Pain, suffering, and death. And childbirth. Final answer.

So, I am grateful for the simple things and afraid on the unknown. I think that’s enough deep thinking for one day.

What are you grateful for? What are you afraid of?