There is a saying about people living rent-free in your head, and how that mental state gives people power and authority over you that is unnecessary and always harmful. As of late, it seems that there are two demons in particular that need to be exorcised from my brain. But before I could do that, I needed to understand why they had taken up residence in there for so long. And so, I present to you, two stories of vague-blogging for your reading pleasure. One, as pertains to work life, and one to theater life. This post will deal with tenant #1 from work. Let’s call him “Spitz”.

Spitz is a well-respected man in his industry. A sports star in his youth, he probably charmed many a lady out of her virtue in school days, and persuaded many a man to follow him, or perhaps even do his bidding. Spitz developed a certain Southern stamina and guise that served him well. He could weave a spell that seemed to entrance everyone around him. Spitz realized this power he possessed would serve him well in business, and quickly rose up the ranks, ever the expert on rhetoric, always convincing people his was the way.

By the time our paths crossed, Spitz was riding a wave of greatness, having just left an organization after completing, what would appear to be, a great victory, not only for himself, but for the company. He swooped into the company I was working for, on a crusade to save the business and its owners from what seemed certain destruction, as the work was coming in, but the infrastructure could not handle the load, and the foundations were beginning to show stress fractures.

Spitz was hired initially to provide focus and direction, but after working with him a few weeks, it seemed very clear to me that his vision of my role was to support him in endeavors outside of the scope of not only my experience, but my understanding. Additionally, I was to do all the detail work, so Spitz could take the credit. The first time I met him, I didn’t see this suave executive; I merely saw the equivalent of a used car salesman. And, having worked with my fair share of people with this penchant, I immediately knew this would be trouble.

“An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.”

Goi Nasu

What I didn’t know was how miserable Spitz would make me for the next 6 years. We clashed so much in the first few months that they actually hired someone else to manage me, and to do the things for this person that I simply was not equipped to do, so our paths would be somewhat separate. (This may be over-thinking on my part, and the reasons may actually be more than just me, but this narrative suits the tale).

This new person had history with Spitz, and understood and accepted his way of doing things. And for a time, it was bearable. And she really did try to make things better. And they were, in a way. But Spitz’s requests and expectations were so obtuse, I felt myself scanning the horizon many a time, looking for an out, so I could begin my journey elsewhere.

My struggle with jumping ship was racked with fear and doubt: finally I had a job and a path that allowed me certain creature comforts (flexible hours, working from home, WORKING FROM HOME) that I was just not willing to give up. And so, I persevered. I put my head down, worked even harder than before, kept trying to do everything asked of me, and more, and tried to block out how insignificant and ineffective I felt at my job, and how stuck I felt in the cogs of the company. But Spitz had a way of speaking that, while sounding like charm and flattery on the outside, made you feel little and unworthy on the inside.

Then, in December of 2016, an amazing thing happened. A portion of my company was sold to a larger company in the industry, and we would be integrated onto their existing infrastructure. I believe Spitz was instrumental in this acquisition, and had, in fact, been planning this since he began at this company. This was his victory.

I was assured that my job was safe, and that my merit had been communicated to the new powers that be, and that I would be working with a larger team of people who did what I did. I was cautiously optimistic. The only sad part was that the person hired to manage me would be moving onto another role in the new company, as her position was redundant in the new organization.

And, for a time, it was better. And they did, in fact, communicate positive things about me into the new organization. My new boss was a breath of fresh air. She was kind, and encouraging, and nourishing, and made me feel like it was possible to do more, understand more, expand my abilities, and grow. But Spitz was always lurking in the shadows. No longer a direct report, a bigger buffer was placed between us, but he still managed to push the boundaries of the new company’s credo to get things he wanted, and at the cost of my workload, and still managed to take up residence in my head, even though our paths were not as direct. And though my dealings with him were less and less, I always sucked in a breath when an email would come in from him, or a Skype message would pop up on my screen. I would physically recoil and think: he’s going to do or say something and I won’t be able to handle it.

Over the years, I still deal with Spitz, but to a lesser degree. And, I have had several bosses since the acquisition – each with their own set of communication skills. But Spitz still lurks in the corners. And when we have exchanges, I feel my whole body becoming rigid, ready for the fight. My current boss told me recently that Spitz is a “trigger”, and that I seem to always deal with him in a defensive, and somewhat hostile manner, and that I need to try to learn how to work with him, not against him.

I recently read Alan Alda’s book, “If I understood You, Would I have This Look on my Face?”. It’s a lovely read about his life’s work in communication; both theatrically, and in his endeavors to teach scientists to be better communicators. And one of the the nuggets of wisdom he imparts from his days of doing improv in his youth is the practice of “Yes, and…“. This allows you to work with, rather than against, the ideas of the person with whom you are communicating, so that the integrity of the original ask is kept, while allowing you to expand upon this with your own input. It encourages you to listen and be receptive to the ideas of others, rather than immediately judging the idea. This circumstance with Spitz seems like a very practical circumstance to try this theory out. And so, this is what I will try to do over the course of 2020.

So, will this new way of thinking help exorcise Spitz from living rent-free in my head? Only time will tell. But just as this one demon lives in my work space, there is another living much more subtly in the crevices of my theater mind. And I had no idea he still lived there until recently. But that is a tale for another post.

“Letting go of negative people doesn’t mean you hate them. It just means that you love yourselfDon’t let negative and toxic people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and kick them out.”

Robert Tew